i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
