My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
