My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
