i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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