your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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