I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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