i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
