So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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