A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
