Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
