Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
