why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
