I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You don't make any sense
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