Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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