I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
