Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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