It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
