I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
