my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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