I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
