just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
