Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize