Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
