member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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