How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
tell me about the fingering
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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