i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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