I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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