it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
