I feel great
I just peed on a car
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
