It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
