Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
