he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
