My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
