my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
