Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
