Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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