When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
there is glitter all over my balls
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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