Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
