I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
