that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
