My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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