just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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