she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
