mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
