it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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