I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
