Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
