separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Drunk is a universal language darling
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