is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
