Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
