Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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