Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
