Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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