I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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