The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
