Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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