Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
