it's too hot outside to masturbate.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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