I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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