I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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