When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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